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It was not repeated. This is the kind of thing that often happens in groups of pubescent boys who compare their erections and show off their ability to masturbate to climax.

Unless there is a power differential, it is not abuse. It is how kids sometimes make sense of their changing bodies.

That being said: You allude to current sexuality issues. However, given what you shared in your letter, I suspect that the basis of the current problem is not connected to your dad but instead is linked to other issues of insecurity or anxiety or negative self-esteem that are grounded in other experiences.

I hope you will follow up this correspondence with a few sessions with a therapist who can hear your whole story.

I do believe that everyone deserves the chance to have a satisfying intimate sex life with someone they love. A therapist will help you gain insight into the source of your problem and will provide the guidance you need to address it.

Marie Hartwell-Walker Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education.

Follow her on Facebook or Twitter. Psych Central. All rights reserved. Find help or get online counseling now. Answered by Dr. Our control group has reported kind, caring and at the same time vigorous fathers endowed with authority.

They appear to represent desirable identification models for their sons also in relation to women. It was found that our control group of heterosexual men strongly identified with their fathers The homosexuals and transsexuals in our study manifested selfesteem disorders.

Sipova, Fisher and Greenberg reviewed 22 studies on the relationship between male homosexuals and their parents. They concluded: With only a few exceptions, the male homosexual declares that father has been a negative influence in his life.

He refers to him with such adjectives as cold, unfriendly, punishing, brutal, distant, detached. There is no a single even moderately well controlled study that we have been able to locate in which male homosexuals refer to father positively or affectionately.

On the contrary, the consistently regard him as an antagonist. Fisher , p. Susan Bradley, authors of Gender Identity Disorder and Psychosexual Problems in Children and Adolescents, have observed that the fathers of GID boys are often plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and tend to withdraw from a needy son rather.

Zucker , p. Green found that 17 of the 38 boys in his study of feminine boys experienced an absence of their biological father for at least three consecutive months.

Green , p. Lawrence Newman, who has successfully treated effeminate boys, found that: "The fathers generally resent and avoid their feminine sons.

Stoller found that when GID boys were referred to treatment, "the fathers usually failed to come in for evaluation interviews" and not one of the fathers was able to cooperate in the treatment.

Stoller, , p. Richard Isay, author of Being Homosexual: Gay Men and their Development , reports that "The majority of gay men, unlike heterosexual men who come for treatment, report that their fathers were distant during their childhood and that they lacked any attachment to them.

Isay , p. These are usually such attributes as sensitivity, gentleness, and a lack of interest in aggressive sports. Some homosexual children may also seem noticeably feminine in manner, dress, and behavior.

These identifications in homosexual children appear to follow the manifestation of sexual orientation and the erotic attachment to the father and not to preceded them.

He may be inhibited by a fear of rejection and by rage at the partner, who, he believes, will inevitably injure him emotionally. He blames the detachment or hostility during the son's early years on the son's preexistent homosexuality.

Charles Silverstein, a homosexual therapist and advocate of homosexual promiscuity and nonexploitive intergenerational sexuality, holds that it is the sons who reject their fathers: Another misconception is that fathers invariably reject their gay sons.

In fact, it is often the gay son who has rejected the father. Silverstein , p. What is revealing here is that the feelings of both father and son are identical; each feels the other as hostile, distant and unloving.

In homosexual activist Larry Kramer in the novel Faggots wrote about the excesses of homosexual life style in New York and Fire Island.

While many homosexuals criticized Kramer for his unflattering view of homosexual behavior, most admitted that his novel accurately mirrored the activities and emotions of homosexual men in the years before the AIDS epidemic swept over their community.

Kramer's description of the feelings of Fred Lemish, the novel's protagonist, about his father Lester, echo the material discovered in clinical studies.

The father idolized the elder son, who played ball and rejected the younger, as his son recalls: Yes, Lester Lemish, your totally poor record in Fatherhood included an inability to kiss and hug, keep bargains and promises, call and say Hello, inquire after studies and wellbeing, offer love, do anything but pull the Disappearing Act, with its constant curtain line.

Kramer , pp. The son screams at his father: "Hey, Pop! You never really loved me at all! The pop has said I love you to the son.

The scene and dream of every son who's backed away beneath these sheltering trees. He's said he loves me. The sheltering veil now shelters.

God has forbidden a fantasy might come true!. Kramer , p. According to Isay: "Important to and ubiquitous in the love life of adult gay men is the persistence of an early erotic attachment to the father and a need to defend against these feelings.

It is remarkable how rarely this has been stated either in psychological or gay liberation literature.

Yet many gay men clearly remember their interest in the father's body and know that it was motivated by more than curiosity.

Many wanted to touch their father's body; they wanted to suck their father's penis and have their father suck theirs.

As boys they imagined having sexual intercourse with their fathers. Some tried it, much to dad's chagrin.

But since fathers rarely allow themselves to be seduced by their sons, the fantasy survives into adulthood and contributes to the image of the phantom father.

One patient reported that he and his father engaged in mutual masturbation "a couple hundred times. Silverstein considers the possibility that "sexual fantasies themselves are only a cover-up for the wish to be loved and cared for.

According to Green, the stepfather of a year-old boy gave the following report of the boy's behavior: He's told me about occasions when he sees boys undressing and he'll just go ape about it.

He'd come in and say, "Wow, they've got groovy bodies," and what he'd like to do Go out and play with the guy and have the guy play with him, and just lay down and be close to each other.

To hear a ten-year-old boy say this! You want to take it as he's just joking, but you can't with him. He's even asked me to do it to him. He comes straight out and says, "Would you go to bed with me?

One of Silverstein's clients reported: I wanted a father image somebody older than myself, middle aged. Somebody that would have very strong feelings for me and make me feel like a child, pick me up and hold me.

Let me sit in this lap, tell me everything is all right. The following chart summarizes the studies which considered this question Zucker , p.

Green reported that in his study "About 20 percent of the boys were abandoned by their fathers before their fourth birthday and had no substitute father.

Bieber also addressed the question of fatherless boys : A fatherless child is deprived of the important paternal contribution to normal development; however, only a few homosexual in our sample had been fatherless children.

Relative absence of the father, necessitated by occupational demands or unusual exigencies, is not in itself pathogenic.

According to Daniel Brown: It is quite conceivable that there is a crucial period in the early years of a child for establishing the basic capacity for heterosexual adjustment.

In this connection, evidence indicates that sex role differentiation and identity occur in most children between the ages of one and one-half and three, and that heterosexual stimulation and responsiveness develop between the third and sixth year of life.

Brown, If the father were absent after the boy had developed a confident masculine identity, the effect of his absence on gender identity might be minimal although father absence could have negative effects in other areas.

Fathers for Life Site-Search. Site Map very large file. Table of Contents. Educating Our Children for the Global Gynarchia.

Child Support. Family Law. Destruction of Families. Divorce Issues. Domestic Violence. Gay Issues.

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Subscribe To Parenting Issues. My sons age 11 to 24 and I shower together when we camp, or use the cabana, we have always showered together at home when it was appropriate.

I feel that boys need to be comfortable with men and each other as they will be in sports, away camps, the military and being naked with your peers and it should not be a phobic experience.

In my case, from we all have a penis, with varying sizes, and shapes and amounts of hair. The younger guys get a chance to see what they will look like as they mature, and ask questions amongst males they trust and love.

Many of the boys get excited at the newness and get an erection, and we always say, well son ur becoming a man, what is happaning is normal, dont be ashamed.

We all have a healthy respect for each other and no fears or shyness. If my son has a question about his sex organs he feels comfortable letting dad or big brother take a look and reassure him everything is ok.

My best friends son came to me with a question about a "thing" that appeared on his penis and he could not talk to his dad about it because of these sex fears.

I asked my friend if he would give me permission to talk to the boy and take a look, and he said it was OK. The boy let me look and it was just a pimple.

He felt so safe and so happy that he didnt have to go to the doctor and be fondled by an old nurse. He has showered with all of us at the beach and camping, so hes not phobic with my sons who are all his buddies.

In short, dont make boys into shy little wimps. All kids will be curious, most will compare their penises in private, alot will even masturbate together, its all normal kids growing up, give them their space and their privacy and they will grow up healthy and happy boys.

When you make the penis a forbidden object is when all the fears and phobias come into the scenario.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with the level of openness here. And that doesn't equate me to being "shy little wimps" either.

While many homosexuals criticized Kramer for his unflattering view of homosexual behavior, most admitted that his novel accurately mirrored the activities and emotions of homosexual men in the years before the AIDS epidemic swept over their community.

Kramer's description of the feelings of Fred Lemish, the novel's protagonist, about his father Lester, echo the material discovered in clinical studies.

The father idolized the elder son, who played ball and rejected the younger, as his son recalls: Yes, Lester Lemish, your totally poor record in Fatherhood included an inability to kiss and hug, keep bargains and promises, call and say Hello, inquire after studies and wellbeing, offer love, do anything but pull the Disappearing Act, with its constant curtain line.

Kramer , pp. The son screams at his father: "Hey, Pop! You never really loved me at all! The pop has said I love you to the son. The scene and dream of every son who's backed away beneath these sheltering trees.

He's said he loves me. The sheltering veil now shelters. God has forbidden a fantasy might come true!.

Kramer , p. According to Isay: "Important to and ubiquitous in the love life of adult gay men is the persistence of an early erotic attachment to the father and a need to defend against these feelings.

It is remarkable how rarely this has been stated either in psychological or gay liberation literature. Yet many gay men clearly remember their interest in the father's body and know that it was motivated by more than curiosity.

Many wanted to touch their father's body; they wanted to suck their father's penis and have their father suck theirs.

As boys they imagined having sexual intercourse with their fathers. Some tried it, much to dad's chagrin.

But since fathers rarely allow themselves to be seduced by their sons, the fantasy survives into adulthood and contributes to the image of the phantom father.

One patient reported that he and his father engaged in mutual masturbation "a couple hundred times. Silverstein considers the possibility that "sexual fantasies themselves are only a cover-up for the wish to be loved and cared for.

According to Green, the stepfather of a year-old boy gave the following report of the boy's behavior: He's told me about occasions when he sees boys undressing and he'll just go ape about it.

He'd come in and say, "Wow, they've got groovy bodies," and what he'd like to do Go out and play with the guy and have the guy play with him, and just lay down and be close to each other.

To hear a ten-year-old boy say this! You want to take it as he's just joking, but you can't with him. He's even asked me to do it to him.

He comes straight out and says, "Would you go to bed with me? One of Silverstein's clients reported: I wanted a father image somebody older than myself, middle aged.

Somebody that would have very strong feelings for me and make me feel like a child, pick me up and hold me. Let me sit in this lap, tell me everything is all right.

The following chart summarizes the studies which considered this question Zucker , p. Green reported that in his study "About 20 percent of the boys were abandoned by their fathers before their fourth birthday and had no substitute father.

Bieber also addressed the question of fatherless boys : A fatherless child is deprived of the important paternal contribution to normal development; however, only a few homosexual in our sample had been fatherless children.

Relative absence of the father, necessitated by occupational demands or unusual exigencies, is not in itself pathogenic. According to Daniel Brown: It is quite conceivable that there is a crucial period in the early years of a child for establishing the basic capacity for heterosexual adjustment.

In this connection, evidence indicates that sex role differentiation and identity occur in most children between the ages of one and one-half and three, and that heterosexual stimulation and responsiveness develop between the third and sixth year of life.

Brown, If the father were absent after the boy had developed a confident masculine identity, the effect of his absence on gender identity might be minimal although father absence could have negative effects in other areas.

Fathers for Life Site-Search. Site Map very large file. Table of Contents. Educating Our Children for the Global Gynarchia. Child Support.

Family Law. Destruction of Families. Divorce Issues. Domestic Violence. Gay Issues. Hate, Hoaxes and Propaganda. Help Lines for Men. Law, Justice and The Judiciary.

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